People say it is not the same as losing a baby that has actually been born. But being in both positions, I can safely say that it is. I didn't get to meet this baby, I didn't even know I was pregnant, but when I found out that we had lost her, it hurt just as bad. I say "her" because I have a feeling she was a girl. I could be wrong, but I am not going to call her an "it". We were just discussing baby names the night before. I was telling Darrell the names that I liked, but in the back of my head I was thinking it would never happen, and that it was fun pretending. I was shocked when the nurse told me I was pregnant. My head was spinning and I couldn't wait to get back to the room and tell Darrell. I knew he would be ecstatic. I told him and all we could do was sit there and grin at each other. Then he turned it to the newborn channel and told me he needed to start watching it to brush up on having a newborn around. I can't stand that channel now. The doctor came in and told me that the baby was in my right fallopian tube and that it had burst. The baby had died. At least I had a good half hour of being on cloud nine. I had been bleeding for 3 days and my abdomen was filled with blood. She said it was one of the worst, and largest, tubal pregnancies she had ever seen. Usually they burst in the first couple of weeks, our baby was gonna give it all she had. She wanted to live. All I know is that she is with her big sissy in heaven now. Livie will take good care of her. And my momma is probably spoiling her rotten too. I am scared to try again. But I will. I can't explain the feeling I had when they first told me we were pregnant. I want that feeling again, but I want it to last this time. It will be at least 6 months before we can try again, so pray for me. I don't think I can handle losing another one. But at the same time you can't live in fear. I have the best man in the universe. He never left my side the entire time I was in the hospital. He loves me so much. He even washed my hair for me and talked to the doctors for me when I was too tired or didn't feel well. I am proud that I was carrying his baby. And I will be proud to carry his baby again when the time is right.
So, tata for now. Go hug your children and thank God that you have them :D
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